“It's an ongoing discussion about desire”: Adults' strategies for managing sexual and affectionate desire discrepancies in romantic relationships

Abstract

Desire discrepancies are a common source of relationship conflict and one reason adults may seek couples counseling. Within romantic relationships, adults individually experience sexual and affectionate desire, but also experience desire relative to their partner. If desire discrepancies exist, partners may attempt to resolve these discrepancies. Thus, we examined adults' strategies for managing sexual and affectionate desire discrepancies. Our sample consisted of 300 adults (45% women; M_age = 29.5; 86.3% LGBTQ+) who were in a romantic relationship and reported a desire discrepancy. Thematic analysis revealed five strategies for managing desire discrepancies: alternative behaviors, communication, doing nothing, engaging in behaviors anyway, and giving control to a specific partner. Adults reported similar strategies for resolving sexual and affectionate desire discrepancies. Perceived effectiveness and strategies varied by whether adults thought that their discrepancies were problematic. Our findings hold implications for clinicians approaching problematic desire discrepancies, and suggest strategies that may promote effective resolutions.