But I said I'm sorry: Helpfulness of romantic couples' efforts to reconcile after conflict

Abstract

Whereas several decades of research have documented behavior during couples' conflict discussions that is destructive to the couple relationship, the effectiveness of post‐conflict reconciliation efforts has only recently received research attention. The current study aimed to discover how couples' negative and positive communication during conflict discussions was associated with the helpfulness of two strategies for reconciling: Active Repair and Letting Go. The sample comprised 217 heterosexual cohabiting couples who completed (1) questionnaires assessing their relationship satisfaction and tendency to engage in demand/withdraw conflict management, (2) a recorded in‐lab conflict discussion, and (3) fourteen daily diaries reporting on relationship conflict and Active Repair and Letting Go reconciliation strategies. Daily negative conflict behavior (i.e., conflict expansion and contemptuous communication) did not predict helpfulness of reconciliatory attempts; nor did habitual negative conflict behavior (i.e., demand/withdraw). However, daily positive conflict behavior (i.e., attentive listening) did predict more helpful reconciliatory attempts. Observers' one‐time ratings of couples' communication competence during conflict discussions revealed an unexpected inverse association with helpfulness of post‐conflict reconciliatory attempts for men. Results indicate that couples' ability to maintain positive behavior during day‐to‐day conflict may be the best strategy for supporting subsequent efforts to reconcile and reconnect afterward.