Coming into relations: How communication reveals and persuades relational decisions

Coming into relations involves exiting a state of indecision and deciding whether to relate or not. Little research has focused on these initial moments, the communications involved, and the making of a relational decision. We study this process using 947 speed dating encounters, their minute-by-minute communications, and the reported timing of relational decisions. We show that certain forms of communication reveal an actor’s relational state of being undecided, desiring a relation, or not desiring a relation (revealing signals). For example, indecision corresponds with indirect and ambiguous communication (negative facework); desiring a relation entails positive, excited, and entraining communication (positive facework); and not desiring a relation involves routine talk. We also show that certain forms of communication persuade persons to transition relational states, moving beyond their indecision and coming to a relational decision (persuasive signals). Interestingly, only some revealing signals are persuasive and bring about corresponding relational decisions in others. These tend to be clear signals that cannot be attributed to the situation or politeness. Last, some signals persuade relational decisions without corresponding to a relational state. These performative signals are select forms of ambiguous communication that place the speaker in an advantaged position within social exchange.