停止照顾边缘或自恋者:如何结束戏剧,继续生活

IF 9 Q1 PSYCHIATRY Mental Illness Pub Date : 2017-03-22 DOI:10.4081/MI.2017.6985
Peter G. Bota, Ela Miropolskiy, Vy Nguyen
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Stop Caretaking the Borderline or Narcissist: How to End the Drama and Get on with Life by Margalis Fjelstad is selfhelp book for those who are trapped in a dysfunctional and self-destructive relationship with loved ones who have borderline or narcissistic personality disorders. In first section of the book, titled Understanding the Caretaker Role, Fjelstad provides the reader with the tools to identify whether he or she is or acts like a Caretaker (with a recommended Caretaker Test in the appendix), as compared to merely an altruist, and whether a loved one is a BP/NP, along with an overview of borderline and narcissistic personality disorders using a biopsychosocial and casework based approach from the author’s own experiences as a psychotherapist who specializes in the relationships of BP/NPs. She helps the layperson understand these disorders by using accessible terms, specific examples, and DSM IV criteria. Fjelstad then explains the Caretaker term, or someone who gives up their identity to meet the emotional needs of a borderline or narcissistic loved one, and points out some typical feelings of a Caretaker and the different types of Caretakers. Fjelstad then helps the reader understand how wellmeaning individuals can become Caretakers and continue to stay in this role out of fear, obligation, and guilt. By focusing on the emotional, cognitive, behavioral, and relationship distortions of Caretakers within their relationship to the BP/NP, she shows readers how caretaking inevitably leads to an endless cycle of relationship chaos, selfneglect, and despair. She ends with saying that the BP/NP cannot be changed and so any improvement must come from the Caretaker’s side, starting with letting go of the hope that Caretaking will work. In the middle section of the book, titled Letting go of Caretaking, Fjelstad provides readers with guidance on how to break free of the caretaker role even if they choose to continue their relationship with the BP/NP. It describes the process of healing from being a caretaker using Elizabeth KublerRoss’s stages of grief: Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression, and Acceptance, also including three more specifically for Caretakers: Setting Boundaries, Letting Go, and Rebuilding; all of this is director toward moving a Caretaker to Self-Care. Readers learn to stop trying to change their loved ones with BPD or NPD and instead focus on skills that they can use to improve their interactions with the BP/NP. They are taught how to set boundaries, let go of their over-involvement with the BP/NP in his or her life, and to rebuild their individuality. Fjelstad also gives readers a sense of relief by reminding them that they are separate and unique individuals who are not responsible for the feelings and behaviors of others, in particular the BP/NP, whose perception of reality heavily skewed by their illness. In Rebuilding, the last section of the book, Fjelstad focuses on how individuals can improve their lives and wellbeing after overcoming the caretaker role. It encourages readers to build a better support system, avoid falling back into caretaking patterns, and define and create their own lives. Readers learn how to build healthier relationships based on reciprocity, honesty, and the creation of appropriate boundaries. The approach to these concepts makes the book easy to read, understand, and implement, which gives it a particular elegance. In conclusion, the editor has assembled a cohesive guide for individuals to identify a problem relationship and to take clear and definite actions to increase their health, whether or not they remain in the relationship with the BP/NP. It successfully bridges the gap between the usually vague and mystical self-help book and the dry and difficult to understand psychological text for professionals, offering sound and detailed advice based on the experiences of a medical professional. The book is skillfully crafted, offering valuable insights to laymen afflicted by this issue and to professionals treating these conditions.","PeriodicalId":44029,"journal":{"name":"Mental Illness","volume":null,"pages":null},"PeriodicalIF":9.0000,"publicationDate":"2017-03-22","publicationTypes":"Journal Article","fieldsOfStudy":null,"isOpenAccess":false,"openAccessPdf":"","citationCount":"3","resultStr":"{\"title\":\"Stop Caretaking the Borderline or Narcissist: How to End the Drama and Get on with Life\",\"authors\":\"Peter G. Bota, Ela Miropolskiy, Vy Nguyen\",\"doi\":\"10.4081/MI.2017.6985\",\"DOIUrl\":null,\"url\":null,\"abstract\":\"Those who suffer from Narcissistic Personality Disorder or from Borderline Personality Disorder (Henceforth to be referred to as NPD and BPD individually and as BP/NP as a group) tend to employ an array of both normal and abnormal defense mechanisms, which are automatic mental responses designed to protect the ego from stress, anxiety or conflict. 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In first section of the book, titled Understanding the Caretaker Role, Fjelstad provides the reader with the tools to identify whether he or she is or acts like a Caretaker (with a recommended Caretaker Test in the appendix), as compared to merely an altruist, and whether a loved one is a BP/NP, along with an overview of borderline and narcissistic personality disorders using a biopsychosocial and casework based approach from the author’s own experiences as a psychotherapist who specializes in the relationships of BP/NPs. She helps the layperson understand these disorders by using accessible terms, specific examples, and DSM IV criteria. Fjelstad then explains the Caretaker term, or someone who gives up their identity to meet the emotional needs of a borderline or narcissistic loved one, and points out some typical feelings of a Caretaker and the different types of Caretakers. Fjelstad then helps the reader understand how wellmeaning individuals can become Caretakers and continue to stay in this role out of fear, obligation, and guilt. By focusing on the emotional, cognitive, behavioral, and relationship distortions of Caretakers within their relationship to the BP/NP, she shows readers how caretaking inevitably leads to an endless cycle of relationship chaos, selfneglect, and despair. She ends with saying that the BP/NP cannot be changed and so any improvement must come from the Caretaker’s side, starting with letting go of the hope that Caretaking will work. In the middle section of the book, titled Letting go of Caretaking, Fjelstad provides readers with guidance on how to break free of the caretaker role even if they choose to continue their relationship with the BP/NP. It describes the process of healing from being a caretaker using Elizabeth KublerRoss’s stages of grief: Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression, and Acceptance, also including three more specifically for Caretakers: Setting Boundaries, Letting Go, and Rebuilding; all of this is director toward moving a Caretaker to Self-Care. Readers learn to stop trying to change their loved ones with BPD or NPD and instead focus on skills that they can use to improve their interactions with the BP/NP. They are taught how to set boundaries, let go of their over-involvement with the BP/NP in his or her life, and to rebuild their individuality. Fjelstad also gives readers a sense of relief by reminding them that they are separate and unique individuals who are not responsible for the feelings and behaviors of others, in particular the BP/NP, whose perception of reality heavily skewed by their illness. 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引用次数: 3

摘要

那些患有自恋型人格障碍或边缘型人格障碍的人(今后分别称为NPD和BPD,作为一个群体称为BP/NP)倾向于采用一系列正常和异常的防御机制,这是一种自动的心理反应,旨在保护自我免受压力、焦虑或冲突的影响。然而,这些防御机制对那些生活在BP/NP中的人是极其有害的,偶尔,这些机制会把一个善意的人拖入一种有辱人格和疯狂的关系中,因此被称为照顾。停止照顾边缘或自恋者:如何结束戏剧并继续生活是一本自助书籍,作者是Margalis Fjelstad,为那些与患有边缘或自恋型人格障碍的亲人陷入功能失调和自我毁灭关系的人提供帮助。在书的第一部分,名为“理解看护角色”,Fjelstad为读者提供了一些工具,以确定他或她是否像一个看护人(在附录中推荐了一个看护人测试),而不仅仅是一个利他主义者,以及所爱的人是否是BP/NP,作者作为一名专门研究BP/NPs关系的心理治疗师,利用生物心理社会和案例工作的方法,对边缘型和自恋型人格障碍进行了概述。她通过使用易于理解的术语、具体的例子和DSM IV标准来帮助外行理解这些疾病。然后,Fjelstad解释了看护人这个术语,即放弃自己的身份以满足边缘或自恋的爱人的情感需求的人,并指出了看护人和不同类型的看护人的一些典型感受。然后,Fjelstad帮助读者理解,出于恐惧、义务和内疚,善意的人如何成为看护人,并继续担任这个角色。通过关注照顾者在与BP/NP的关系中的情感、认知、行为和关系扭曲,她向读者展示了照顾如何不可避免地导致关系混乱、自我忽视和绝望的无休止循环。她最后说,BP/NP是无法改变的,所以任何改进都必须从看护者一方开始,从放弃看护者会起作用的希望开始。在书的中间部分,名为放手照顾,Fjelstad为读者提供了如何摆脱看守角色的指导,即使他们选择继续与BP/NP的关系。它用伊丽莎白·库伯勒罗斯的悲伤阶段:否认、愤怒、讨价还价、沮丧和接受,描述了从照顾者中康复的过程,还包括三个专门针对照顾者的阶段:设定界限、放手和重建;所有这些都是引导看护人走向自我照顾的方向。读者要学会停止试图改变他们爱的有BPD或NPD的人,而是专注于他们可以用来改善与BP/NP的互动的技能。他们被教导如何设定界限,让他们在生活中过度参与BP/NP,并重建他们的个性。Fjelstad还通过提醒读者,他们是独立而独特的个体,不必为他人的感受和行为负责,尤其是BP/NP患者,他们对现实的感知被疾病严重扭曲,从而给读者一种解脱感。在书的最后一部分“重建”中,Fjelstad着重于个人如何在克服了看守角色后改善他们的生活和幸福。它鼓励读者建立一个更好的支持系统,避免陷入照顾模式,并定义和创造自己的生活。读者将学习如何在互惠、诚实和建立适当界限的基础上建立更健康的关系。对这些概念的处理方法使本书易于阅读、理解和实现,这赋予了它一种特别的优雅。总之,编辑为个人提供了一份有凝聚力的指南,以确定问题关系,并采取明确和明确的行动来增进他们的健康,无论他们是否仍与BP/NP保持关系。它成功地弥合了通常模糊而神秘的自助书籍和枯燥而难以理解的专业心理学文本之间的差距,根据医学专业人士的经验提供了合理而详细的建议。这本书是精心制作,提供了有价值的见解外行折磨这个问题和专业人士治疗这些条件。
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Stop Caretaking the Borderline or Narcissist: How to End the Drama and Get on with Life
Those who suffer from Narcissistic Personality Disorder or from Borderline Personality Disorder (Henceforth to be referred to as NPD and BPD individually and as BP/NP as a group) tend to employ an array of both normal and abnormal defense mechanisms, which are automatic mental responses designed to protect the ego from stress, anxiety or conflict. However, these defense mechanisms are extremely harmful to those who live with the BP/NP, and occasionally, those mechanisms will draw a well-meaning person into a degrading and crazy-making relationship, henceforth referred to as Caretaking. Stop Caretaking the Borderline or Narcissist: How to End the Drama and Get on with Life by Margalis Fjelstad is selfhelp book for those who are trapped in a dysfunctional and self-destructive relationship with loved ones who have borderline or narcissistic personality disorders. In first section of the book, titled Understanding the Caretaker Role, Fjelstad provides the reader with the tools to identify whether he or she is or acts like a Caretaker (with a recommended Caretaker Test in the appendix), as compared to merely an altruist, and whether a loved one is a BP/NP, along with an overview of borderline and narcissistic personality disorders using a biopsychosocial and casework based approach from the author’s own experiences as a psychotherapist who specializes in the relationships of BP/NPs. She helps the layperson understand these disorders by using accessible terms, specific examples, and DSM IV criteria. Fjelstad then explains the Caretaker term, or someone who gives up their identity to meet the emotional needs of a borderline or narcissistic loved one, and points out some typical feelings of a Caretaker and the different types of Caretakers. Fjelstad then helps the reader understand how wellmeaning individuals can become Caretakers and continue to stay in this role out of fear, obligation, and guilt. By focusing on the emotional, cognitive, behavioral, and relationship distortions of Caretakers within their relationship to the BP/NP, she shows readers how caretaking inevitably leads to an endless cycle of relationship chaos, selfneglect, and despair. She ends with saying that the BP/NP cannot be changed and so any improvement must come from the Caretaker’s side, starting with letting go of the hope that Caretaking will work. In the middle section of the book, titled Letting go of Caretaking, Fjelstad provides readers with guidance on how to break free of the caretaker role even if they choose to continue their relationship with the BP/NP. It describes the process of healing from being a caretaker using Elizabeth KublerRoss’s stages of grief: Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression, and Acceptance, also including three more specifically for Caretakers: Setting Boundaries, Letting Go, and Rebuilding; all of this is director toward moving a Caretaker to Self-Care. Readers learn to stop trying to change their loved ones with BPD or NPD and instead focus on skills that they can use to improve their interactions with the BP/NP. They are taught how to set boundaries, let go of their over-involvement with the BP/NP in his or her life, and to rebuild their individuality. Fjelstad also gives readers a sense of relief by reminding them that they are separate and unique individuals who are not responsible for the feelings and behaviors of others, in particular the BP/NP, whose perception of reality heavily skewed by their illness. In Rebuilding, the last section of the book, Fjelstad focuses on how individuals can improve their lives and wellbeing after overcoming the caretaker role. It encourages readers to build a better support system, avoid falling back into caretaking patterns, and define and create their own lives. Readers learn how to build healthier relationships based on reciprocity, honesty, and the creation of appropriate boundaries. The approach to these concepts makes the book easy to read, understand, and implement, which gives it a particular elegance. In conclusion, the editor has assembled a cohesive guide for individuals to identify a problem relationship and to take clear and definite actions to increase their health, whether or not they remain in the relationship with the BP/NP. It successfully bridges the gap between the usually vague and mystical self-help book and the dry and difficult to understand psychological text for professionals, offering sound and detailed advice based on the experiences of a medical professional. The book is skillfully crafted, offering valuable insights to laymen afflicted by this issue and to professionals treating these conditions.
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来源期刊
Mental Illness
Mental Illness PSYCHIATRY-
CiteScore
1.10
自引率
0.00%
发文量
3
审稿时长
10 weeks
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