Let Me Out of Here: A Story of Using Comics to Heal During the Pandemic

Abstract

This autobiographical graphic essay details my experience with the hardships I facedduring Covid as a comics studies scholar who moved across the country to starttheir Ph.D. in history. It highlights the importance of comic-making incombating present-day isolation and hardship and in aiding in trauma recovery. Covid and quarantine continued to bring with them and compound new, tragedy-specific traumas that left me desperately seeking ways to cope. During the first year ofmy Ph.D. I experienced a miscarriage, my step-grandfather passed away due to Covid, and, at the start of my second semester, I was sexually assaulted,resulting in a physical injury that has yet to heal. The emotional and physicaltrauma resulting from these incidents put me behind in my coursework. To cope, I engaged in art therapy and started a trauma recovery program. Often, myrecovery has been aided in and expressed through comics I create, which aredigital in format and usually, but not always, take the form of a poetry comic. Creating thesecomics aided in an emotional release by enabling me to create spaces of ‘escape’outside the walls of my one-bedroom apartment. The creative process also helpedme find freedom from the confines of my anguished mind. For instance, shadingthe skin of my attacker and myself allowed me to own the narrative of myassault and regain ownership of my body. Further juxtaposing these images withwords provides a method for me to express the pain and deep isolation that thevarious traumatic incidents incited. By expressing the weight of thesetraumatic incidents both visually and through written text, I am able to properly acknowledge their significance and consequently I have found somerelief and self-consolation in this act. I have also sharedmy experience with the outside world through social media. This act lessened myfeelings of isolation and gave me the support network I so desperately cravedand needed, especially with the comics and comics studies communities.  In sharing myexperience, I hope to impart why comics are so important now by showing how thecreative helped me process trauma created and exacerbated by the pandemic.Intro:In January of this year, I was assaulted twice withina four-day period. These two incidents resulted in physical and mental trauma andextreme change in how I view myself, my life, and those around me. These two incidentsweren’t the only traumatic ones had experienced in recent time. I had also experienceda miscarriage, which was made worse by the circumstances of isolation (due tothe pandemic) and abandonment. My step-grandfather passed away from Covid. However,what occurred in January was a sort of catalyst to a personal breakdown. I lostmyself.Being a woman is difficult enough. I always feel as ifI am battling with my femininity. There is always some distinct, un-femininestandard by which I must define myself but can never quite reach in order tohave a voice in this patriarchal society. It is hard to love something aboutyourself that can so easily be used against you. And the man who assaulted meused it against me in the worst way. What resulted was an immense sense ofself-hatred and dissociation. It was hard to see the point of it all. But Ihave worked hard to regain a sense of purpose. Recovery is a choice, and it is not an easy one tomake. It’s a confusing process with no roadmap. It’s easy to get lost and I donot judge anyone who gives up or takes detours along the way. I often feel thatI am surrounded by walls. I cannot go around them and I cannot climb them. Icannot break them down. I am trapped. However, with my art I started seeingthrough these walls, and I feel in making these comics they have become rathertransparent. I can see more clearly what has happened to me and how and why Ihave reacted the ways that I have. I may not have a found a map that can takeme through my recovery process, but I have can see my next steps.  Making this comic, and the art that came before it,has allowed me to make sense of and establish some sort of order concerning myvery recent past. What has emerged from this process is a sense of calm. Iwouldn’t say I found happiness (and I’m not much interested in the pursuit of thatemotion), but I do, at times, feel good. I have found a voice. There is a pleasure,or a sense of relief, in sharing my voice with you through the images and wordscontained in this comic. References:Chivington, L., 2021. Signifying Silence: The EmptySpeech Balloon. Image Text 12. https://imagetextjournal.com/signifying-silence-the-empty-speech-balloon/