Daring to Hope: A couple’s journey from trauma into connection

Abstract

ABSTRACT The author presents the treatment of a deeply traumatized, high conflict couple, massively overwhelmed by multiple stressors. Building upon the rich legacy of self psychology, this paper aims to illustrate how couple therapists can invite traumatized partners to move from despair and rage into hope and connection. This treatment approach is fundamentally based upon a systems perspective, but nested within that overarching stance are several foundational principles, including: 1) the concept of thirdness, or the view that surrendering one’s own perspective for the sake of connection allows an additional perspective 2) empathic, subject-centered listening that includes emotional dwelling as advocated by self psychology; 3) conceptualizing the system as a whole, rather than only the individuals, as lacking adequate soothing; 4) recognizing the influence of cultural forces upon the couple; 5) working with each partner’s self states or the idea that each individual has many parts within themselves and when invited into the treatment room can generate greater connection and healing; and 6) enlisting the partners as co-therapists. These basic tenets helped a mutually traumatized couple find their way out of fear. The paper illustrates how even in a barren landscape, where there is emotional dwelling, hope can germinate.