On Navigating Paranoia, Repair, and Ambivalence as Crip Pandemic Affects, Or, I’m So Paranoid, I Think Your COVID Test Is About Me

Jiya Pandya
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Abstract

How do my 'hermeneutics of suspicion' color this current crisis? In this auto-theoretical essay, I reflect upon the blend of judgment, suspicion, and paranoia that have settled into my body-mind this past year, and how these feelings shape my engagement with people, institutions, and systems. I have been taught that 'judgment' is an essential aspect of immigrant and crip safety. Recently, it has become my (crip)epistemology, and I cannot decide whether this is for better or worse. On the one hand, suspicion is productive. It has kept me and my loved ones alive in a time of deliberate death. On the other, it frustrates, disrupting my capacity for connection. I check my temperature constantly, I hear the guilt in my voice when my family in India tell me they have not left the apartment in months, I spend precious time with friends calculating their risk relative to mine, I go to protests but am afraid of the consequences of my solidarity. Drawing on Eve Sedgwick's essay on paranoid reading practices, Patricia Stuelke's Ruse of Repair, Sianne Ngai's work on ugly feelings, Nikolas Rose's analyses of somatic ethics, and Mel Chen's theory of racialized toxins, I explore the modalities that paranoia has both enabled and disabled for me. I examine my ambivalent relationship with repair—some reparative practices like mutual aid sustain queer/crip/immigrant community while others like cure constrict our lives. This piece aims to tease out the tensions latent in crip worldmaking between suspicion and generosity, public health and communal care, and paranoia and repair.
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在流感大流行影响下,如何驾驭偏执、修复和矛盾心理,或者,我太偏执了,我认为你的COVID测试是关于我的
我的“怀疑解释学”对当前的危机有何影响?在这篇自我理论的文章中,我反思了过去一年里在我的身心中形成的判断、怀疑和偏执的混合,以及这些感觉是如何塑造我与人、机构和系统的交往的。我被教导说,“判断”是移民和瘸子安全的一个重要方面。最近,它成了我的(蹩脚的)认识论,我无法决定这是好是坏。一方面,怀疑是有益的。它让我和我爱的人在蓄意死亡的时候活了下来。另一方面,它令人沮丧,破坏了我与人联系的能力。我经常检查体温,当我在印度的家人告诉我他们已经好几个月没离开我的公寓时,我从声音里听到了内疚,我花宝贵的时间和朋友们一起计算他们相对于我的风险,我去抗议,但害怕我团结起来的后果。借鉴伊芙·塞奇威克关于偏执阅读实践的文章、帕特丽夏·斯图尔克的《修复策略》、西恩·恩盖关于丑陋情感的著作、尼古拉斯·罗斯对躯体伦理学的分析以及梅尔·陈关于种族化毒素的理论,我探索了偏执对我既起作用又起作用的模式。我审视了我与修复的矛盾关系——一些修复实践,如互助,维持了酷儿/瘸子/移民社区,而另一些,如治愈,限制了我们的生活。这篇文章的目的是梳理出在残缺的世界中,怀疑与慷慨、公共卫生与公共关怀、偏执与修复之间潜在的紧张关系。
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Amyotrophic Lateral Sclerosis
Amyotrophic Lateral Sclerosis 医学-临床神经学
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6-12 weeks
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