Why Don't You Take This to a Friend? A Question Psychotherapists Should Ask More Often.

Abstract

Since 1996, we have been studying loneliness and the decrease in the average number of confidants that most people have. We are gratified that the topic of loneliness is now less taboo, thanks in large part to press coverage during the pandemic about how difficult the isolation was for everyone. But we have also noticed how much Americans rely on their therapists to help themwith their most intimate conundrums. We could not be more grateful to our patients who have entrusted us with their confidences over many years. But we also worry: have we contributed to a fraying of the social fabric by implying that confidences about the usual human conundrums are better saved for the ears of a therapist than shared with a close friend? Too many Americans are lonely “frequently” or “almost all the time or all the time” 36% in a recent study, including 61% of young people aged 18–25 and 51% of mothers of young children.We hear from our patients that it is often a friend who says the equivalent of “This is too much for me to handle; maybe you should see a therapist.” And despair and suicidal depression increase while our nation turns increasingly to the mental health profession rather than friends and relatives to help them with life’s knotty problems. We have noted in our previous work on social isolation that the culture of most Americans includes a deep distaste for depending on others, and an over-valuing of independence and “having things one’s own way.” Even college students have the notion that only after successfully living alone and learning to enjoy their own company will they be well suited for a love relationship with someone else. Yet many of them get snagged by depression along this journey.