The Context and Core of Relational Violence in Families1*

Few topics generate as much controversy and confusion in society, therapeutic practice, and science as violence in families, often referred to as domestic violence. There is a neverending dispute around the definition and about the statistics. Is relational violence mainly against women or are women as violent as men in intimate relationships? Outcomes from research are contradictory. When we zoom out, we can be aware that violence is everywhere and that we are part of it. At the same time, we can sense that the world is full of love. Both are part of the destructive dynamics of escalating conflicts in families that are more related to powerlessness than to power. In a therapeutic context we focus on the destructive dynamics in which the languages of perpetrator and victim are not helpful. We suggest the formulation of keystones as light posts to help us find a way to help family members to de-escalate conflict.