Inspired by lessons hard won during a pandemic year spent simultaneously teaching university students online and parenting reluctant online learners at home, this article argues for a radical rethinking of course policies and practices that use normative interpretations and applications of time. Online composition pedagogy is built on paradoxical temporal models: the field's longstanding belief in process-oriented theories of writing demands a flexible, recursive understanding of time while the demonstrated benefits of online student engagement seem to require more rigidly temporal policies and methods, like regular, graded discussion boards. This article draws from Alison Kafer's concept of “crip time” and a year's worth of observation and practice to recommend that online teachers prioritize the narrative shape of their online classes. Such a reframing, I argue, may create not only more successful classes but more just and accessible ones.